Sassy Is The New Gay: How Language Perpetuates Veiled Homophobia And Toxic Masculinity In The Black Community

It is no surprise or secret that X (formerly known as Twitter) is an archive for critical cultural commentary. In fact, since the start of the new year, Black Twitter has been the center of multiple conversations relevant to the Black queer experience. There have been hundreds of tweets about Black queer masculinity and desirability.  Tweets about the lack of authentic media representation of Black butch queens in love. Tweets about the absence of Black partners in Hollywood. Tweets about Colman Domingo’s historic Oscar nomination and fashion prowess. And, of course, tweets bursting with anticipation about Queen Bey’s new album, Cowboy Carter.

Still, among the millions of tweets circulated daily, one recently amassed nearly 20 million views. What profound thought sent Black Twitter into a frenzy? The tweet read, “Men that can cook are sassy to me.” A Black woman was the one who tweeted, catalyzing a much-needed conversation on veiled homophobia, language, and toxic masculinity. Whether the user meant this or if this was an attempt to achieve virality rooted in contrived controversy, the impact was real. In addition to the measurable reach of 17.6 million views, the tweet blew the lid off of concepts of toxic masculinity and cultural expectations of sexuality framed by Blackness. This was true even though the user never stated what sassy means or why it was bad. No one asked the user what she meant by the tweet because no one had to. If you are Black, you already know what the tweet implied. 

The Dog is Whistling: Unpacking what Sassy & Zesty mean in the Black community.

Sassy and zesty are examples of how fast aspects of dog whistle language can appear in a community. Dog whistle language sends a specific message to a select group while seeming general or harmless to others. It often uses particular phrases or symbols to subtly convey controversial ideas, similar to how only dogs can hear a dog whistle. Other recent negative examples of this include the words “urban” and “woke.” The Black community has a long history of rich linguistic advancements and the development of unique words to explain cultural phenomena and/or experiences subtly. This is especially true for the Black queer community, as words like shade are now part of everyone’s lexicon. Or see how some Black women, especially in hip-hop, have reclaimed the word “bitch” to be a term of feminine empowerment. 

But the words sassy and zesty are rarely if ever, used to uplift or empower Black men. Instead, they are weaponized against Black men to maintain archaic, dangerous, and unsustainable views of what it means to be a “desirable” Black man. The words are also almost always tied to notions of femininity in Black men, and in turn, these traits are framed as harmful/undesirable.  Noticeably, when the words are uttered, hatred and homophobia are implied but never confirmed. The toxicity has a mask; the vitriol hides behind the cloak of comedy and shade. Black gay men invented shade, so we certainly can identify it when we see/experience it. 

So what’s the problem? People are rarely asked- (1) what do they mean by the words “sassy” and “zesty” and (2) why are those traits/qualities inherently wrong? So, the toxic narratives continue to spread. As Kevin Hart’s popular stand-up once claimed, “Say it with your chest.” But people do not say it with their chest; they have learned that sassy and zesty are the ways to call Black men gay without saying it. Their homophobia has a veil. 

Veiled homophobic comments are like icebergs; what's visible is minimal compared to the vast prejudice hidden beneath the surface. And we all know how an iceberg sank the Titanic. Or let’s extend another simile-using sassy and zesty is like using perfume to hide the putrid odor of homophobia, but the underlying stench of prejudice and disdain lingers. The stench of “sassy” and zesty” can be experienced nearly everywhere on social media. Need examples?     

“Veiled homophobic comments are like icebergs; what’s visible is minimal compared to the vast prejudice hidden beneath the surface. ”

See this viral TikTok video, in which a Black woman describes an encounter with a “sassy” usher at a comedy show. See this Reddit thread that not so subtly juxtaposes “faggot” and “sassy.” Another Reddit thread explicitly asks, “Men 30 and over- I am confused by this sassy trend. I thought there was a push for men to be more emotional, more sensitive, and more open to non-manly stuff.” This video podcast highlights the story of a Black man called sassy because of how he dresses. See another TikTok lamenting the Black community’s constant use of the words.  Even major news outlets like NBC News ran stories like “Sassy Men Are Taking Over TikTok” in late 2023. 

And this TikTok even lists examples of what they find to be sassy. At the top of the woman’s list of sassy red flags- a man hanging out with his friends too much. On the other hand, another article explains that it is sassy to play video games for too long. Dumbfounded by this discovery, I searched the internet and asked my straight friends for a list of things that they had been told were “sassy” or “zesty”. 

1. Having too many male friends

2. Having too few male friends 

3. Having too many vacation pictures with no women present (even though it was an all man’s trip) 

4. Ordering martinis at dinner during a date (should have ordered a manly drink like Old Fashions)

5. Ordering wine at dinner during a date (men don’t drink wine)

6.  Getting manicures

7.  Having too many varieties of cologne (some colognes smelled too much like perfume) 

8. listen to too much r&b

9. Having women rap music on their phones

10. Not enjoying football or boxing

11. liking reality tv shows

12. Taking multivitamins and supplements 

13. Using face moisturizer 

14. Having “woman-scented” body wash or soap

15. Not arguing enough

16. Arguing too much

17. Specific cars (Ford Fiesta and Kia Forte were called zesty)

18. Having too clean of a home

19. Texting back too fast 

20. Dancing too much. 

One individual was even told that their smile “made them look zesty.” As a response, the gentlemen told me, “So now I smile less in front of women, “ or “I try to make sure my smile looks more masculine.” When I asked what that meant, he said, “Man, I wish I could tell you,” unveiling a world of constant ridicule, pressure, and speculation.

This is a problem for multiple reasons, two of which are highlighted below. 

Problem #1: Perpetuates toxic masculinity

The perils of toxic masculinity are like observing a ship slowly taking on water; you can see the danger, but the damage is gradual and often unnoticed until it's too late. The circulation of “sassy” and “zesty” to describe and explain regular behaviors is undoubtedly rooted in toxic masculinity. Toxic masculinity, or the idea that men should act in a specific "tough" way, includes harmful behaviors and beliefs like hiding emotions, acting tough, and using violence to show power. Studies have found that following these ideas can make boys and men more likely to face trouble in school, and less likely to engage in mental health care. We don’t have to look far to see it; toxic masculinity is often featured in advertisements, especially in razor and beer commercials. 

“The history of Black people in America, from slavery to the ongoing fight for liberation, has shaped how Black masculinity is viewed, perceived, experienced, and lived. Black men are often constructed to be monolithic, and this existence is frequently expected to be strong and straight.”

However, researchers note that Black masculinity is unique. The history of Black people in America, from slavery to the ongoing fight for liberation, has shaped how Black masculinity is viewed, perceived, experienced, and lived. Black men are often constructed to be monolithic, and this existence is frequently expected to be strong and straight. There is no room for Black men to be gentle, vulnerable, or fragile. This is harmful for straight and queer Black men alike. Unfortunately, these expectations do not just come from outside; instead, they are also constructed by the community, especially Black women. But these concepts of toxic masculinity directly impact all aspects of life, ranging from emotional availability to conflict resolution to child-rearing.

On the one hand, there are calls for Black men to be more emotionally available, but aspects of toxic masculinity become the critical narrative. This presents a logical disconnect and an impossible dilemma for Black men to navigate: what version of masculinity is most desirable, and how does that masculinity appear in society and social media? And how, if at all, is it possible to navigate the dynamic yet rigid aspects of Black masculinity? If we want to reimagine Black masculinity, we must provide the space, place, permission, and safety to do so. The words “sassy” and “zesty” do not accomplish this. 

Problem #2: Excuses coded homophobia and allows gaslighting 

As briefly highlighted above, the words sassy and zesty do not just impact straight Black men; it also begins to demean the queer world as well. First of all, these words continue to conflate “feminine” behaviors with sexuality, which inherently perpetuates dangerous ideas of who is gay and how it manifests itself. This inevitably begins to dictate how people act in the public sphere. Second, the words automatically frame “sassy” qualities like dancing, hygiene, and cleanliness as feminine and bad, making average life skills and positive traits of self-care unsavory. This is ironic and problematic, considering the majority of the rhetoric stems from Black women, who often find power and pleasure in their femininity. 

The biggest problem with these words is that they fundamentally lack accountability and allow for grand gaslighting. For example, on several occasions, when people have probed, some have pushed back, saying, “I did not say gay; I said sassy.” Or, “you are the problem because YOU said gay, I never said that word; I said zesty.” But these feeble defenses assume that context or implications are not impactful. As Black people, we do not have to be called the n-word to experience racism or know when something has racial undertones. Same with sexuality. Allowing these words set the stage for large-scale conversations around sexuality that lack insight, respect, or correction; sassy and zesty get to be thrown around in the same way “urban,” “ghetto " and "thug " do. All are harmful. 

“Allowing these words set the stage for large-scale conversations around sexuality that lack insight, respect, or correction; sassy and zesty get to be thrown around in the same way ‘urban, ‘ghetto’ and ‘thug’ do. All are harmful. ”

The use of euphemisms to describe and police Black masculinity is not new. Many Black gay men are knowledgeable of the phrases “sugar in the tank,” "air in his voice,” and/or “light in the loafers.” They were the original sassy and zesty. 

Speaking of originals, with over 17 million views, the original tweet received tons of engagement.  Some responses took a comedic approach, stating, “So you wanna just be dating skeletons,” and “Guess I gotta start eating just fruits and vegetables. Is eating fruit too zesty for ya?” But the best response was someone unearthing the user’s tweet from a year earlier, which calls out the absurdity and disconnect. The original user, LustSierra, once was a fan of men with advanced culinary skills. So much that in 2023 she tweeted- “A man that can ACTUALLY cook is top tier.” Sadly, this tweet received 14K views, while her toxic one received over 1,000% more engagement. Her tweet unveiled the problem, a part of our obligation is to illuminate a solution.